Hello August...

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August has rolled in and I am truly inspired by the double meaning of August. Not only is it the 8th month in the year, but it is also an adjective meaning respected, venerable, impressive, eminent, renowned, great, important, celebrated, esteemed, and proud. Usually, “august” is bestowed upon someone, rather than someone using it self-reflexively. But if this quarantine has taught me anything, it has taught me that you must model first with yourself how you want to be handled, dealt with, spoken to, loved, cared for, and most importantly defined. I want to be in august company with myself...

Hello August,

I literally can’t believe it is already August. Honestly, from March to now seems like the longest stretch of months in my life but also the fastest. It’s going to take me a long time to recover and reflect on this one. In moments where it felt like time was dragging, I felt low, I felt powerless, I felt unimaginative (unable to see past the corona fog). I felt like August and the months after signaling the end of the year would not still be engulfed in quarantine, social-distancing, and pandemic. In moments where time felt the fastest, I felt panic, I felt that the clock was just spinning over and over, I felt helpless, I felt unsure, and I felt unbalanced. But in moments when I was able to grab a hold of myself, take things day by day, and breathe, I found myself reflecting on who I am, have been, and who I want to be.

It is often said that social distancing does not equate social isolation, but I do not think I am the only person who has had more time for deep self-reflection. I am already an overthinker and someone who is alone 80% of the time, but the remaining 20% of relaxed thought and social interaction use to provide much needed reprieve. During quarantine, in a time where everything is uncertain, the only thing I felt like I could cling to was myself. Before quarantine, I was battling with internal and external conflicts that were not being addressed. The everyday hustle and world demands so much of our attention. It was very easy for me to escape from and brush off things that I knew desperately needed to be handled. Quite honestly, I was suffering. If I am being completely honest with myself I was suffering and hanging on by a thread. Trying to normalize and make okay things I was deeply unhappy with. I knew that some things needed to be addressed and I planned to address them and I did, but never fully or purposefully, only shallow attempts. In a way I was hiding from myself. Living within myself on such a surface level when I am a deep woman. I know that. And quiet as kept, I can’t swim. I almost drowned when I was in the fourth grade and the feeling of almost drowning is too close to death to ever want to relive. I know my body is made up of mostly water and finally I was ready to dive in, to surrender to myself and feel that feeling of almost drowning and to flap my arms, to work, to fight to be suspended within the depths of my soul, to float, and to ultimately be free.

I've been in a space where I can finally acknowledge and climb out of rock bottom. I knew for a while that I had hit rock bottom, but the processing of this and the path out was delayed. I mean, no one would have ever known. All of the societal standards of success I hit, especially in terms of my academic and professional life. Going by those standards, I was thriving. But when I am talking about rock bottom, I do not mean externally, I mean personally. Rock bottom to me means I do not recognize myself anymore. I do not feel at home in my body. I feel stuck. That’s rock bottom for me. I had felt this way for a while, letting outside influences distract me from dealing with myself. But God had determined, now was the time to deal with me.

One of my favorite quotes is “I know God personally, in fact He lets me call Him me” from Saul William’s poem Amethyst Rocks that I was introduced to through Joey Badass’s song Amethyst Rockstar. My relationship with God is a very personal one. I know that by honoring myself, I am honoring God and my ancestors. I was not honoring myself, I was not respecting myself, I was not existing and living in my truth and being the being that God made me and thus disrespecting the divine vision. I was being low vibrational and I knew it. Poetry did not flow, I was easily irritated, did not like the people I was surrounded by. I felt lonely and misunderstood. I knew something had to change and I had to be the one to make a change. To begin the journey of coming home to myself.

Towards the end of July, I was prompted to think about how I define myself? What character traits do I have? Who am I to myself? August has rolled in and I am truly inspired by the double meaning of August. Not only is it the 8th month in the year, but it is also an adjective meaning respected, venerable, impressive, eminent, renowned, great, important, celebrated, esteemed, and proud. Usually, “august” is bestowed upon someone, rather than someone using it self-reflexively. But if this quarantine has taught me anything, it has taught me that you must model first with yourself how you want to be handled, dealt with, spoken to, loved, cared for, and most importantly defined. I want to be in august company with myself. How can I make my mind, body, and soul a home that is respected, venerable, impressive, eminent, renowned, great, important, celebrated, esteemed, and proud? How do I honor myself, respect myself, praise myself?

We have all these figures that we respect. Whether they be “couple goals,” spiritual leaders, politicians, celebrities, etc. We respect them for their accomplishments, their image, and the things they’ve done that without a doubt deserve recognition and public respect. But, most of us do not know these people. We do not know the intricacies and intimate details of their lives. We know the surface. The only person you will truly have the possibility of knowing to the deepest depths is yourself. When you accomplish something, you know first-hand what it took to get there. You know your heart. You know your hurt. You know your story. You know you. That alone is deserving of so much respect. That alone is deserving of the effort it takes to know yourself, be there for yourself, and to honor yourself.

Now more than ever is the perfect time to begin the journey of coming home to yourself (it is a lifelong journey, might as well start now). Meeting yourself for the first time. Recognizing and honoring the divine, respected, venerable, impressive, eminent, renowned, great, important, celebrated, esteemed, and proud being that you are...

Hello August.

SoeSoulFull Song Suggestion: Fear Not of Man -Yasiin Bey f.k.a. Mos Def