Not Messy, But Masterful.

I’ve always been a fan of abstract art. I can imagine the artist, skillful in their craft, creating chaos on purpose. How their mastery of their artistic abilities allows them to become undone on the canvas and make a beautiful mess.

As the artist of my life, why can’t I allow myself to be a beautiful mess?

This is the question I asked myself recently as the pressure of being sick, the demanding nature of grad school, and just overall exhaustion was pushing me to the limit. On the outside looking in, no one would ever know that I wasn’t feeling well. My voice is strong, my appearance is well, and my presence is engaged. But inside I was withdrawn and holding on by a thread. Or maybe I was more so holding on to the image of perfection? But yet, I don’t think perfection is the right word. I think it was more so a desire to always appear competent or in control? Whatever this reflex I have to withhold my feelings of discomfort and lack of control, it is not strength, it is detrimental to my health and my relationships. I really had to sit with myself and figure out where this comes from. Why am I this way? Is this how I want to be going forward? If not, how can I make a change?

While I sifted through childhood experiences in my head, I realized that I had developed a perception, through personal experiences, that everyone always expected and in many ways depended on me being okay, fine, good, and needless in order to lighten their load. So when I expressed emotional need, others did not know how to handle this uncanny behavior, the me that needed help, saving, comfort, the me that wasn’t okay, fine, good, or needless. No one is needless (if there is one thing you take from this blogpost, please take this: no one is needless). So now as a young woman, expressing my emotional needs gives me anxiety or I just don’t even think to express my emotions.

My default mode is resilience and to push through.

Well last week I couldn’t.

I swear, if you ever wonder if the work is working, take note of how you respond to situations differently than you would in the past. Praise yourself for your growth. I’m proud of myself for pausing to acknowledge that I was sick and tired and my normal level of productivity was low. I reached out to trusted advisors at work to inform them and the support I received was healing. I also reached out to a friend who I’ve grown to trust. I shared my struggle and space was held for me. Last week I experienced what expressing my needs feels like— it feels like being seen and that is the root of all my desires—to be seen, to be loved (on). I think this is the desire of many of our hearts. However, I’m learning a valuable lesson that to be seen, you must speak. For space to be held for me, I had to take up space and hold space for my voice and my experience and call on others to listen and support me. I’m also learning that like my favorite artwork, there's beauty in chaos. I am a beautiful mess that was divinely crafted by God as his earthly masterpiece.

When I feel out of control or less than perfect, deep down I know that I’m being designed, developed, and crafted into a wonderful piece of art that others appreciate, gaze at with love, and that others understand and see clearly. Not messy, but masterful.

SoeSoulFull Song Suggestion: Jill Scott - "Back Together"